Woman: Hi Cerise, I need your help. I'm married but my husband is boring and we are not compatible in bed.
Me: Have you spoken to your husband about it?
Woman: Yes. I told him he's boring. He's not spontaneous and boring in bed.
Me: Let's break that down a bit. The onus is not only on your husband to make the bedroom fire hot, but we'll get to that. What makes him boring, in general?
Woman: He's a workaholic. He works 14 hours a day, 70 hours a week, and on weekends he only wants to rest.
He loves his job and does more for his boss than he does for me!
We never go out on dates. On the rare occasion when he takes me to do something it's family related. We go to his parents place and sit around with his family for hours. It's boring!
Me: I can see where you're coming from. You want more excitement in your relationship.
Woman: Yes! Is that too much to ask for?
Me: Not always, but in some relationships it is. Especially with a hard working man. A man that works 70 hours a week probably looks forward to restful weekends.
Woman: I work hard too, but I still have the energy to cook for him, clean the house and take care of our kid. Why shouldn't he have the energy to surprise me once a week to the movies or drinks and dinner?
Me: You have a point. What have you done to change the situation?
Woman: Besides complaining about it all the time, what more can I do to change it?!
Me: Make date night yourself. Lead by example. Take him to a nice dinner at a restaurant you've been wanting to try. Take him to a movie.
Woman: That's not my job. He's the man. He should do it. He only did it in the beginning. Once he married me all the dating stopped.
Me: You've left all the dating plans up to him? Or have you planned a few nights out too?
Woman: No. I've been waiting on him... and still waiting for three years now.
His brother works just as many hours at the same workplace and he still finds time to do special things for his wife. She doesn't even appreciate it.
Me: Comparing two brothers won't fix your situation. The two men are different. Perhaps your brother-in-law is just more active. There's also a chance that he's taking his wife out for his sense of pleasure, and not for her.
Maybe she does appreciate going out, but perhaps she's tired of it and would like to stay home more often. You never know the dynamics in other people's relationships.
Back to you. If you bought tickets for a movie or made reservations for dinner would your husband go?
Me: So why not do that? He's your husband and life partner. Maybe he's stuck in a rut, the hamster wheel of work and home.
He sounds like a loyal husband, great provider and family man. It just might take a few date nights planned by you to help spice things up.
Woman: He's boring. He probably wouldn't even enjoy it. He'd fall asleep at the movie.
Me: Then make it dinner and drinks.
Woman: he's a picky eater.
Me: Now I'm confused. If you make the plans he'll fall asleep and not like the food, but if he makes the plans he won't fall asleep during the movie and will like the food?
Woman: No, it'll be the same outcome, but I'll feel like a fool if I make all the plans for the same boring night out.
Me: There are many restaurants to choose from. Take him to a restaurant that has the type of food he likes.
Woman: I still feel he should do that. I'm a good wife too.
Me: I'm sure you are a good wife. Did you know there are many "good" wives but very few "great" wives?
Woman: I don't understand.
Me: Well the difference between a good wife and a great wife is this; a good wife does what is expected. A great wife goes beyond what's expected.
Woman: At this point I don't even want to put the effort into being a good wife, but go ahead and tell me how one becomes a great wife.
Me: She is a virtuous woman. She supports her husband, she doesn't complain like a dripping faucet when things don't go her way.
She appreciates the hard work her husband puts in, because she recognizes the fact that he's working hard for her and him.
A great woman is careful with her words, her moods and her expectations, because she wants to ease her husband's burdens and not exacerbate them.
She knows when he needs to be lifted up and not bashed down.
She will make sacrifices even when she doesn't want to, because she knows that love is kind and patient.
A great woman will buy tickets to a movie and if her husband falls asleep during the flick she will let him rest his head on her shoulder.
A great woman finds peace in the fact that her husband is resting from a 70 hour work week, while attempting to spend quality time.
She will appreciate the time shared together. She will appreciate him for agreeing to go even while tired.
Woman: So I'm supposed to watch the movie alone? That's what great women do?
Me: Well, not exactly. You're watching a movie. There's no talking going on. Just watching. And if he falls asleep he should be allowed to. He shouldn't feel stressed that you'll get angry.
After all, he's by your side and not by another woman's side or hanging with friends instead of you.
Woman: I get it, but still, I just want better bedroom action.
Me: That's a tough one, but fixable. What's the issue there? Do you enjoy the action he provides?
Woman: Well I don't always get full sexual pleasure.
Me: Do you know how to please yourself? Some women don't and they rely on their man to please them.
Woman: I don't masturbate.
Me: Ok. Do you know how to grind? Like move your body in such a way during sex that you get sexual pleasure?
Woman: No. I just don't know how.
Me: Hmmm. Does he complain?
Woman: No... umm I don't know. One time I caught him pleasing himself in the shower. I asked him why he didn't release with me and he said he just wanted a quick release.
I asked why he couldn't get a quick release with me and he said he wanted to, but he was afraid to be late for work, because he likes to make sure I'm pleased first and at times it takes too long.
Me: Oh I see. Watch YouTube videos. Learn how to get into it more. Rub and grind with him while making love. When you grind and rub you'll gain sexual pleasure faster and so will he. Just by you being more proactive in bed you could change the entire connection.
Woman: Yeah, but I'm shy to do that.
Me: Well if you're too shy to enhance your love life, then perhaps you shouldn't complain about your husband falling asleep at the movies. You sound just as boring right about now, don't you think?
Woman: Other men I had in the pass pleased me as I just stayed still and enjoyed it. But my husband doesn't know how to do what they did.
Me: Those men aren't your husband, and perhaps those men were more experienced. Since you feel your husband is boring help him out.
Woman: Maybe, but still, if he took me out to dinner then maybe I'd be more willing to change in the bedroom.
Me: Life doesn't always work that way. You get what you give. Again, lead by example. Blow his mind in bed, stop complaining and eventually he will see the effort you're putting in and will do the same.
Woman: How do you know?
Me: He sounds like a great man. Great Men work hard, provide, don't lie and cheat and also do their best to please their woman in bed.
When a great man gets more love and less stress from his wife, it becomes his priority to do the little things that make a big difference to her.
I can't promise he'll stay awake in the theater, but at least he'll take the iniatiative to buy the tickets and take you for dinner after his power nap at the movies.
Woman: What videos do you suggest I watch to learn how to "grind"?
Me: You'll have to go on YouTube and plug in "TURN UP THE ROMANCE IN THE BEDROOM " or goggle it and read articles. Read them together. Show him what you're doing to enjoy him more thoroughly as opposed to blaming him and calling him boring. Learn together. I'm sure he wasn't a Virgin when he met you, and it doesn't sound like he's comparing you to other women. So try to follow his lead in that respect.
Woman: Ok. I'll try that. It actually sounds fun. Book me in for a session in two weeks to give you an update.
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